It's a Love Story, Baby Just Say Yes...1

You had to know I would go there.... Love me some T-Swift.

So I finally got our love story all written out, as you might have guessed from the title. It’s pretty long (like 13 pages long...yeah I ramble a lot), so I broke it up into four *still pretty long* parts. 

Enjoy! J

Preface: I had a few boyfriends in middle/high school. None of them serious and none of them were really 'real' relationships. Most of the time I was embarrassed and didn't even want to be seen with them (yeah, I'm a weirdo) until I dated Ben my junior year. We went on dates and held hands, and that was my first 'real' boyfriend experience. Before it was always just sitting together at lunch and seeing each other between classes. But when Ben tried to kiss me, I turned my head and realized I apparently didn't like him and we broke up. And that was the extent of my dating experience. Not a lot of it...And for as much experience as I didn't have, Josh had even less. He had taken a couple girls on first dates, but it never went farther than that.

So it's not very surprising that when I pictured my future, I always pictured myself alone. To be honest, even though I was planning on going to college for social work, I always pictured myself as a librarian with a lot of cats (and I didn't even like cats at the time...) I never in a million years thought that I would end up finding someone in high school, falling in love, and getting married 2 years later. But that's what God had in the cards for us, and I'm so glad that's how it played out. 

Part One:

Josh and I met in high school, in band class (high school sweethearts AND band geeks, holla!) To say that it was 'love at first sight' is totally not true. Not even in the slightest. 

My best friend in high school was Hope. She was one of those people who was friends with everyone and always wanted to make sure everyone felt included. One day after band class we were talking about what we were doing that weekend, and Josh happened to be standing within hearing distance, talking to someone else.

She immediately felt bad and invited him to hang out with us. I kind of thought she was crazy. I mean sure, we had talked to him before in band class and what not, but we didn't hardly know anything about him or what kind of person he was, and here she was, giving him her address and phone number and making plans! He was never a super social person, so we were both surprised when he not only said yes, but when he actually showed up at her house the next day. (Although I will admit...it's hard to say no to Hope when she gets an idea in her mind!) 

He was pretty quiet at first and just kind of sat back and observed our crazy group of friends. We had all been hanging out for awhile, and we were the typical group of teenagers. We had our quirks, our inside jokes, our 'remember when...' stories. Lot of stories. For a newbie, it was probably super awkward. For a generally non-social newbie? Even more awkward. He knew most everyone because we were all in band together, but it's different to see someone in class and say hi, and to actually hang out outside of school where you really get to know people, though band does have a way of bringing people together. But he stuck it out, and started getting to know people, and from then on, he started hanging out with us all the time.  That was junior year. (Well, my junior year...so his sophomore.)

That summer we all hung out all the time. Almost every weekend we would have a bonfire on Saturday, and then get together for Bible study in my parents basement on Sunday night. My sister and I didn't like the youth group at the church we were going to at the time, so that was my parents ultimatum... go anyways and deal with it, or start a Bible study. We opted to start a Bible study. It was one of the best choices we ever made, I have so many great memories from those Sunday nights. Anyways, Josh started coming to just hang out and then eventually started coming to Bible study, too. 

After awhile we all exchanged AIM screen names and Xanga names (wow... that definitely just aged me... ha!) and we began chatting online. That is when our friendship really took off. We started chatting all the time and commenting on each other's posts everyday. But at that point, we were still just straight friends. 

Right about when school started up again (senior year! Woo!), he began acting a little different around me. I am somewhat fearless when chatting online and I have a screen to hide behind (but don’t worry, I’m not an internet bully!), so one day when we were chatting I asked him point blank why he was acting weird. I really didn't want it to be because he liked me and possibly risk our friendship, because I definitely did not feel the same way, but I just couldn't stand feeling like there was something he wasn't telling me.

Well, color me surprised, he didn't like me. Not like that anyways. Turns out he had a crush on Hope. And he was using me to get to her. But not in the mean way...I mean we were really friends, and he figured why not go through the best friend to see if there is even a possibility? So we started talking about that a lot and things were fine and went back to normal. 

I was dating someone else at the time, Zack. To this day I really don't know why I was dating him. We didn't really have that much in common, except that he was a good friend of Jamie's and so was I. We started hanging out after she died (nothing like a friends death to really bring everyone together). It was always super awkward when we were together though. If we were alone, we barely talked. We just kinda sat there, both wishing it was over. If we were in a group of friends, we talked to everyone else but each other. He asked me to go to homecoming and against my better judgment, I said yes. It was so weird. I'm not a dancer...and he was super shy. Not to mention he had another group of friends that I totally did not fit in with... the whole thing was just weird. 

So I spent most of my time while I was dating Zack, talking to Josh about how to make things more normal. I really felt like it was time to end the relationship, but I was afraid of hurting his feelings. Meanwhile, Josh was talking to me about his chances with Hope and if he should ask her out. Isn't that how all high school relationships go?? Haha.

Another reason Josh and I became so close was because he was the only friend of mine at the time that would listen to me vent about the situation going on with my brother, and that I felt comfortable sharing that information with.  My brother was in some pretty serious trouble and facing some pretty serious charges and we had no idea what was going to happen.

None of my other friends could relate to that sort of thing, and really I can’t blame them. We were a pretty drama-free group, we didn’t really deal with anything besides who was dating who and first jobs and other typical high school stuff. But I felt like when I tried to talk to them about it they just kind of skirted around it and ended up changing the subject, if they didn’t offend me even more by saying it was his own fault for getting into this mess. I realized that. But it is still scary when your brother is facing jail time and your parents are going through that kind of turmoil and nothing feels stable or right. I didn’t need someone to tell me what to do, I just needed someone to listen and understand how I felt. And Josh could relate, on so many levels. It meant so much to me at that time to have someone willing to just sit and listen to me and tell me that everything would be okay, and remind me that God was always at work. (At the time I don’t think any of us really believed that…but it was so true. That’s another cool story, but not really mine to tell. And not for right now.)

The day after Thanksgiving, Zack and I were supposed to go with Josh to Gaylord to pick up a dog sled his Mom had bought on Craigslist (they had 4 huskies and lots of land, so yes, they actually used it! They’ve all passed away now though). It meant waking up at 6am...so it's safe to say we were pretty good friends by that time for me to make that commitment! I am not a morning person. At all. Never have been and I doubt I ever will be.

We had had this little trip planned for a couple weeks. That morning, I woke up to a voicemail from Zack saying he changed his mind and didn’t want to go. I immediately felt bad because I figured my parents would say no to me going alone with Josh. (Not that they thought anything bad of him, but you know.) To my surprise they said yes. Maybe because it was 6am…haha.

So, off we went. And I can tell you know, that is when I fell in love with him. Okay so maybe not deeply in love… but that is when I realized I definitely had some feelings for him, and more importantly, I admitted it to myself. But I was still dating Zack so I didn’t do anything about it. I hadn’t even told Hope yet. And you know, nothing is official in the love department until you tell your best friend.

Gaylord is about 180 miles north, so about a 3 hour drive. It had been snowing that morning so it took us close to 4 hours to get there. I was a little nervous after Zack backed out, thinking it would be really weird just Josh and I. Yeah sure, we talked a lot online, but both of us were kind of the same in that we could talk about anything through the computer…but in real life, we kept it really casual.

But in the 8 hours we were in the car together, we didn’t stop talking once. We talked about anything and everything. He had already told me that his Dad passed away when he was younger, but that is when he told me what happened and how he felt about it, and that he had 4 younger siblings and a bunch of dogs and cats and basically his hopes and dreams for life. I told him a little more about my family (he had already gotten a pretty good idea from Bible study and me talking his ear off about my brother), and my life growing up and we talked about how different we grew up and how cool it was that we still ended up in the same place. We also talked about Zack, and I told him that I didn’t really have feelings for him anymore but I didn’t know how to go about telling him. Josh was super supportive and gave me some really good advice. Something along the lines of “better to do it now than do it later and cause more damage”.

I was the map-reader on our little adventure and he was the driver (in hindsight, he must have already memorized the map before we left and figured out how to get there because I am terrible at reading maps and had no idea where we were, but we didn’t get lost!) We made it to our destination, picked up the sled and turned back for home. 

We were supposed to be hanging out with everyone else at my house that night, so we kind of had a deadline but we were making good time. We got close to home and had some time to kill, and he said his Mom had given him a gift card to Applebee's and asked if I wanted to stop for dinner. I totally did… but I said no. I felt guilty, even though it wasn’t technically a date, that Zack was waiting at my house for us when we got back and I would have to tell him we went out for dinner. I just didn’t feel right about that, and Josh understood, so we headed home.

We made it back to my house and joined our friends in the basement for pizza and the movie ‘Elf’. I remember I kept trying to get Hope alone so I could tell her all about our trip and how I thought I was starting to have feelings for Josh, but there was so many people and so much going on that I never had the chance.

After that, I convinced myself that I didn’t like him. Since I never got a chance to talk to Hope about it, I just let it go. I figured I already had a boyfriend, and he was still hung up on Hope… there was no point. Plus we were quickly becoming best friends...and I had always heard about people who are friends and then become more than friends, and how sometimes when that doesn't work out you end up losing a really good friend out of the deal. And I wasn't ready to do that.

To be continued...