What's on my Heart

It's been a minute, huh?

I don't feel like anyone wants to read about what I think about 24/7. Because my thoughts are centered around one thing right now, and one thing only: having a baby.

You may or may not know that we have been trying for a baby for awhile. 17 months is a long time and I am over it. You might not think it's very long, but to me? An eternity. We finally went to a specialist and we are doing what we can but still... It is taking a lot longer than I anticipated and I have had about all I can take.

I've been in an ugly place lately. Dark and full of jealousy and anger. Who wants to read or talk about that?? I don't even want to think about it but IT IS STUCK IN MY HEAD SO I HAVE NO CHOICE.

I don't like being in this place. I am anti-social and sad and mopey and that is not who I am. But it is hard to be social because there are pregnant women and babies everywhere. People who are not trying for a baby get pregnant at the drop of a hat. The other day I was scrolling Facebook (bad idea, always) and saw a friend from high school announcing her 3rd baby in 3 years. An 'oops' baby. Why do some people get an 'oops' baby and I can't even get a 'planned out and tried really, really, really freaking hard' baby??

And honestly if one more person tells me to 'just relax' I might have an aneurysm. No amount of relaxation will fix this issue so if you don't know what to say... don't say anything at all. Because silence hurts less than far fetched suggestions.

Some days it is all I can do to make it through the day without breaking down and crying. I just want a baby so badly and I don't understand why God is putting me through this 'season'. Truth be told I'm a little upset with God at the moment. My faith is not wavering; I still believe. I. Just. Don't. Understand. It's like any relationship. You love a person but you just don't like them sometimes...ya heard?

Because it doesn't make sense to me why I am going through this. I don't understand what I stand to gain from this experience. All I feel is anger, jealousy, and irritation. I don't feel thankful. I don't feel gratitude.

I feel exposed. Vulnerable. Details of our life are being shared between doctors and nurses as if they are no big deal. Being poked, prodded and examined. Privacy is non-existent. Nothing is sacred, if you catch my drift. I don't know about you, but I don't need my business flashed on medical records for any medical professional to read about.

Everything has become so scientific. It's like a science experiment. Try this med, at this time and see what happens. No control. Just a big fat variable. I suppose I am thankful things like this exist so that my dream has a chance of coming true... But still. Seems a bit ridiculous.

Someday I will look back at this experience and maybe I will be able to laugh about it, maybe I will be able to think it wasn't that long at all. But for now... it's not funny. It is taking way too long. And I just want it to be over.

When I am feeling a little more angry at God, I listen to this song. It's a good reminder of the bigger picture. For a moment, I may feel like he is testing me far too much and I don't understand why... but then I put this song on and really focus on the words and I remember. Not for even one moment will He forsake me. (See, Mom? Still believe.)



I have also been listening to Kris Allen's version of 'Let It Be' on repeat almost constantly. Trying to convince myself to just Let. It. Be. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But it does provide a little bit of peace for a hot second. And right now, that little bit of solace is enough to keep me going.