2016.

I've stayed away from this space for the most part (unless I'm writing about Noah, in which case I could write for days but generally try to keep it to a minimum). There are a few reasons for that, but mostly just because I feel like when I write something down, it's more real. And I haven't wanted to deal with the past year. That is probably not healthy but it is one of the ways I cope. I think that explains why it's the middle of February and I am just now feeling brave enough to publish this.

2016 started off with a bang and felt like it was a downward spiral the entire year. Of course there were plenty of good things that happened throughout the year and I don't mean to purposefully ignore those. It's just that there has been so many hard days and that has kind of overwhelmed me.

The full magnitude of what happened this year finally hit me and it is still hard to believe. And even harder to accept. I feel like I've spent a lot of time kicking and dragging my heels, hoping that if I voiced my disdain for everything enough it would magically go away. That obviously did not happen.

As a result, last year was a hard year. Really hard. As I think back on the year I feel so many tinges of regret. Regret for not being my best self for my husband or my son. Regret for letting my emotions get the best of my mood and taking it out on people who didn't deserve it. Regret for not standing up for myself and in turn letting myself be taken advantage of. Regret for letting other people's poor decisions dictate my life and my choices for far too long. Regret for letting peoples opinions of the choices we made affect my opinions.

I feel like I missed out on so much because I let all of those circumstances affect me in ways I shouldn't have let them. But I guess it's just one of those things where you do the best you can with what you have been given at the time and pray like crazy that you make it through. And somehow, I made it through. I am a changed person, but I made it.

I truly think that I was suffering from depression and/or anxiety and probably should have sought out professional help. I came very close to asking about counseling a handful of times. But each time I let my pride get in the way and convinced myself that I was fine and just needed to get over it. I was not fine.

It's been nearly a year since this nightmare began, and I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. I'm not sure what finally clicked but within the last couple months a switch went off and I. just. don't. care. anymore.

Actually that's not completely true. I do still care...that is who I am and that will probably never change. But. I stopped letting someone else's life become my priority. That was a really hard choice for me to make but it was necessary.

I have a long way to go to get back to where I was a year ago. In some ways, I am glad for the experience but mostly I'm still in the 'why the heck did I have to go through all of that' phase. Time will tell what the last year was supposed to teach me, but in the meantime, I'm just glad to be feeling like myself again and be on the path of healing.