Thoughts

Two years ago today, I found out I was pregnant with Noah. Whatttttt?! Time just keeps passing and I have no idea how we got this far.

I had a bunch of posts drafted from before I got pregnant and I went back and read them today, and wow. I knew I was sad about it, but I never realized how dark that time in my life was. Reading through those posts I really think that I was depressed, I'm so thankful that I got through it and that that dark time ended when it did because it was pretty ugly. 

An excerpt:

Which means that we are looking at even more months until we even have a chance at this. MONTHS. I don't have months. Mentally, emotionally... I do not have months. I don't even have days at this point, but I do what I can to get by.

I remember writing all of those posts, I remember feeling so angry all the time and just so frustrated with everything. Jealous of people I didn't even know, I'd pass families at the store and would be so mad at them simply for existing, for having something that I didn't. What kind of life is that? 

We are starting to entertain the thought of possibly having another baby, but we are pretty apprehensive in case it takes awhile like it did before. Of course, it could be the complete opposite, and happen right away. But I don't know if I am ready for another long waiting period. 

This time it would be easier, already having Noah and knowing that even if it doesn't work out...we still have him.

There are a lot of thoughts in my head about the whole thing. I know everyone says this, and then says it doesn't ever end up being an issue...but I don't know how I could ever love another child like I love Noah. I feel like I would always feel guilty because I can't give this second baby the kind of attention and everything that I was able to give Noah.

Anyways... that got a lot deeper than I intended so time to shut it down haha 

Happy Monday!