Thirty Day Challenge - Day Nine

Day Nine:

A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most. 

(Get ready - this is a long one.)

This was a tough one. I guess I interpreted it two ways. The first being what person has been there for me the longest and has gotten me through all the tough times.

Obvious answer: Mom and Dad.

I think that since I have been married and moved out they have been even more supportive to me. Wait, I should re-word that. That's not true. I am more appreciative and thankful for it now than I was before, and I notice a lot more now. I never got into the things that my brother and sister did, but I know I put a few of their gray hairs on their heads, and I am just thankful that they always put up with me and were always there when I needed them. And they still are.

PS Mom and Dad, I love this picture of you :) 

But then I also interpreted it another way. The person who got you through the most stuff in life. Let me explain...

 

For me that person was Jamie. Jamie and I were best buds ever since we got in trouble at Pine Street for cheating in Ms McNeil-McBrien's class in 5th grade. We remained close throughout middle school and she started coming to youth group events with me at church. Once we got to high school, we only had one class together, and with all the changes going on in high school and our different schedules, we sort of drifted apart. We'd still chat and still hung out a few times, but not as much as before. We both became a part of other groups of friends. We didn't get in a fight or anything like that, there were no hard feelings between us...we just didn't make time for each other like I wish we would have now. 

Anyways, our junior year came, and it happened. The Accident. Jamie was riding her snowmobile with her cousin like she loved to do, and she was hit by a truck with a plow. I don't want to get into the details because it was pretty gruesome and I still cringe when I see any sort of plow, and I hate to think about it. She died instantly of blunt force trauma to the head. At least that is what they say, and I pray to God that that is true and she didn't feel any of that horrible pain and didn't have time to think about what was happening. 

I really struggled with her death. For one, people my age shouldn't be dying. Especially like that. And especially someone like Jamie. But I think part of it was also that I felt guilty. Guilty that I didn't try harder to keep in touch with her better. Guilty that she never knew how much she meant to me. But also, because we weren't super close in high school, I feel like people didn't realize we were friends before, and they didn't understand why it bothered me so much that she was gone. I felt like nobody understood my feelings and nobody cared.

Jamie died on January 27. On the one year anniversary of her death, I decided to go to her grave. It had just snowed, and since it was Michigan, there was already a good collection of it on the ground. I guess I wasn't thinking when I pulled in and made my way to the back to where her gravestone was.

I went to her grave and sat there for awhile in the snow telling her I was sorry for letting us drift apart and sorry for how she had to die. I told her I loved her and I was thankful for the time I got to have her in my life. After it started to really get dark, I decided I should get going. Only there was a sight problem: my car was stuck. And stuck good. Oh man. Here I am, 17 years old, stuck in a cemetery. I tried to dig myself out. I got under my car and tried to push the snow around with my hands. It didn't work. Finally, I decided to call Mom and Dad. I felt bad because we lived kind of far away from the cemetery, and Mom was making dinner and my Dad was just getting home...I didn't want to be a bother, but what else was I going to do? So I called and Mom said they would be there as soon as they could. 

In that time, I went back to be by Jamie. And it really all hit me for the first time. She was really gone. I would never see her smile or hear her laugh again. Before, I was numb to what had happened and was just going through the motions. I went to the visitation, I cried with my classmates and shared memories, I went to the funeral and will never be able to forget the way her Mom sobbed while they carried her casket to the front for the service. I moped around for awhile. It just didn't feel right. It didn't feel real. Jamie was one of those people who could light up a room with her smile and her random craziness. I still remember the time she took me snowmobiling for the first time in her woods and peed her pants because she was having too much fun and couldn't be bothered to stop for a bathroom break. Haha...and those bright orange pants. She loved those pants. How could someone so sweet and caring and funny, be gone? 

I balled. Totally and completely lost it. I think I even yelled and screamed and punched the snow. And then the weirdest thing happened: everything got really quiet, and I felt a sense of peace come over me. It was like God was there, telling me it was okay. He knew I needed to work through her death, and knew I needed to get stuck there until I could deal with it all. That doesn't mean I was fine with it. It just meant I was at peace with it. I knew Jamie was in Heaven smiling down at me and riding her horses through God's glorious green pastures, looking down and telling us all that she was fine. More than fine. That she was free.

No more than 2 minutes later, my parents were there to rescue me. Dad was my hero and got Louise unstuck, and Mom rode with me on the way home. I don't know if I ever thanked them, or told them what happened there that night, but I guess I am now. And Mom and Dad, thanks for putting up with me during that time...I know it probably wasn't easy when I wouldn't stop crying and wouldn't let it go, but thanks for being understanding and letting me go through it.

I never went back. I didn't need to. Jamie had already reassured me that I don't have to visit her grave to remember her. I can remember her every day when I thank God for where I am and how I got here. Because she was a part of it.

That experience, along with Switchfoot's 'The Beautiful Letdown' album, changed my life when I was 17. I started thinking about what people would say about me when I died. Would they say "Oh that Stephanie, she was really quiet...never really knew much about her" or would they say "Stephanie, man she really had a heart for the Lord, I want what she had." I wanted the latter. I realized that if I wanted people to know that I loved God and that I devoted my life to Him, I had to start showing it. 

I had always been a Christian...but like a lot of kids in high school, I so desperately wanted to be cool and to feel like I fit in. So sometimes that didn't always show. That changed. I started reading my Bible and praying more, and not hiding the fact that I was living for God. If people asked why I never swore,(honestly, that was a big deal for a lot of people...they would seriously bet me to swear. People offered me money or to buy my lunch or something if I would drop the F-bomb. How stupid is that??) I would tell them it was because I didn't have to prove myself to anyone but God, and He didn't appreciate that language. Sure, I got a lot of strange looks and rolled eyes...but that's okay.

The next year my parents encouraged my sister and I to start a Bible study and we did. What started as a way to get Mom and Dad off our backs about not wanting to be a part of the youth group at the current church we were attending, became so much more. It was a little rocky at first, but once we weeded out the ones who were just there for social hour and just those who needed it and wanted to be there remained, it was a wonderful experience. We grew really close as a group and I think we all learned a lot about God and each other.

Since then I have tried to continue living my life for God. I admit, it is hard sometimes. Sometimes it is not cool to be the one who doesn't swear, or drink, or party, or whatever else society deems cool and necessary. But I know that it is so worth it, and God has some great plans in store for me because of it.

Yes, I miss her. But I am so thankful for the time I had with her, and so thankful for what she taught me in her death. Really, this whole album was a part of my 'transformation', but these two songs in particular really hit home to me. So please take a listen...I hope these lyrics speak to you like they spoke to me.